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Michael Shermer's E-Skeptic of 10 Jun, 98

God: The Questionnaire

© 1998 by Skeptics Society, Altadena, CA

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I thought you all might enjoy this ditty forwarded to me by a friend. It's worth a couple of chuckles, and as H.L Mencken noted, a good horselaugh is worth ten thousand syllogisms.

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

Newspaper Other Book
Television Divine Inspiration
Word of mouth Near Death Experience
Tabloid Burning Shrubbery
Bible Other
Torah (specify):

2. Which model God did you acquire?

Yahweh Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
Jehova Jesus
Allah Satan
God None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

Yes No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.

Indoctrinated by parents Needed a reason to live Indoctrinated by society
Needed focus in who to despise Imaginary friend grew up Hate to think for myself
Wanted to meet girls/boys Fear of death Wanted to piss off parents
Needed a day away from work Desperate need for certainty Like organ music
Need to feel morally superior My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

Odin Cthulhu Zeus
The Almighty Dollar Apollo Left Wing Liberalism
Ra Barney T.B.P.D. The Great Spirit
The Great Pumpkin The Sun Bill Clinton
The Moon A burning cabbage The Bomb
Other:

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

Tarot Lottery Astrology Television
Fortune cookies Ann Landers Psychic Friends Network Dianetics
Palmistry Playboy and/or Playgirl Self-help books Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
Biorythms Bill Clinton Tea Leaves EST
Mantras Jimmy Swaggert Crystals Human Sacrifice
Pyramids Wandering around a desert Insurance policies Burning Shrubbery
Barney T.B.P.D. Barney Fife Other:
None

7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (check one)?

a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water (other than the Hudson) 1 2 3 4 5
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5
Saddam Hussein still alive 1 2 3 4 5 Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?

And now for the real fun part: Submitting the questionnaire
added by Lee Traynor on 02/17/01

If circumstances are favourable you will actually be able to send your completed questionnaire to God Himself (god@god.god). This service is supplied by His representatives here on Earth, in the main part MICROSOFT, NETSCAPE and the WWW Consortium who have spared no effort in designing the mailto: link as a means of communicating with kingdom come. In fact, compared to the mailto: link James Van Praagh and others of that ilk look pretty foolish.

By clicking the Submit button below you agree to the following examination of your faith in Him:

If you receive an error message such as "god@god.god does not exist" then this is proof that you have no faith in Him and that when you kick the bucket you will find yourself in the eternal company of Carl Sagan, Steve Allen and most of the members of the Skeptics Society as punishment for your insufferable ATHEISM.

On the other hand, if you do not receive an error message then this may be taken as definitive proof that your faith in Him is beyond reproach. Your questionnaire will be treated with exactly the same manner as other communications of this sort (e.g. prayer) and you can look forward to eternal bliss accompanied by choirs of harps, etc.

Thanks for your interest!